I wanna sneak out in the middle of the night and drive to the middle of nowhere and lay on the roof of a car and stare at the stars
"Would you go through that whole year again? If you had the choice, the chance, would you repeat everything with him again?"
She took a moment to think about it and wondered if she actually would have the heart to do it again. To love him and then let him walk out of her life. “Yes, I would.”
"Everything? All the pain?"
She sighed and moved up in her seat, “He - we -… He hurt me a lot, that’s true. I’d go home most days wanting to melt into my bed and never get up and cry my eyes out because he did so much to inflict pain on me. But the thing is, I don’t think he knew he had that effect on me.”
"But with all the pain you’ve had to bear, knowing you’d have to go through that again, why would you?"
"Because I loved him," she said simply, sadly looking at the floor. "The bad memories… I wouldn’t have the good ones without the bad ones."
"He wasn’t worth you," he fought back.
"It didn’t matter. He made me feel like everything was okay. I’d miss him every night. I’d jump whenever he texted me first. He made me laugh with his stupid jokes when they weren’t even funny. I put him so high in the sky, he wouldn’t come back down to me."
She shifted and fumbled with her shirt with her thumb. “I tried hating him. I was so tired of letting him get to me like that. At a certain point, I did. I hated his guts. I wanted to spit in his face every time I’d see him. But then during lunch, he’d make me laugh over something as stupid as him dropping his food and we’d be okay then. It was a cycle that wouldn’t stop. So eventually, I stopped trying anything, and just let it happen.”
"Are you over him now?"
"I like to think I am," she whispered, "but there are days I miss him. If I see one of his friends, my chest tightens. If he’s online, I smile because I know he wasn’t just my imagination. When I see his sister in the hallway, I get jealous because she knows him in ways I won’t ever. But… I think if he came back, I’d be able to stay away long enough for me not to start shaking every time he came around anymore.
He grabbed her hand softly, and looked at her in ways the boy she had loved for the past year never did, “Don’t let him hurt you again.”
"I would go through it again," she repeated. "It doesn’t matter how much it hurt the first time. I’d do it a thousand times just to be close to him again. Just to be able to smell him again, be able to hug him, watch him laugh so hard the table vibrates."
"Fuck him," he snapped, his eyes growing dark.
"Yeah," she laughed softly, lacing their fingers. "Fuck him. Because you’re here and he’s not. And that’s all that really matters now."
Boy and cat. New York City. 1954.
Photographer: Vivian Maier
She needs to have a few drinks and cry a little - then she’ll be perfect.Tom Ford on a Gucci show look (via gabbigolightly)
It’s you. It’s been you for the past 486 days. Since the moment I met you. It’s you at 2 in the morning or 4 in the afternoon. It’s you when I’m sleeping and studying and eating and laughing. You are everywhere and you are everything.2am thoughts (via fluro)